Steven Wright Quotes
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
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What do batteries run on?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
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Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
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